This is one of those posts I'm probably going to look back on and say I was being childish. Nonetheless, I feel it somewhat necessary to sort of chronicle my feelings as they happen (and I haven't written in this thing in two weeks).
I'm home, in Missouri, for the first time since August. I couldn't be happier. I feel like this giant weight has been lifted off of me. I got to drive on the interstate today and listen to the radio. Stations I remember. Silly commercials for Buffalo Wild Wings to which I knew every word. Streets I recognized, heck, even the trees looked familiar. I can't think of a single reason for which I'd want to go back to Seton Hall. The Russian program is nice, and I guess I'm learning diplomacy, but, for whatever reason, I don't think I ever realized how alien New Jersey felt to me until now. I honestly can't remember feeling this relaxed in months.
Part of me is troubled by this feeling. Shouldn't I be taking advantage of all of the opportunities that have presented themselves to me? Shouldn't I be out changing the world, making fast friends, making proverbial lemonade out of the Big Apple? I think I'll get used to it eventually, but looking back on high school I wasn't really happy in a "I finally fit in" way at Central for over a year. Year one had football, and debate, and every class but one with my favorite Indian, but it was primarily Dan the screwed up Freshman dates suicidal girl A. Needless to say, that didn't translate into a lot of summertime "hanging out" friends. Year two first semester was slightly more football, a brief date with the hotter of my two redheaded exes, trying to get better at debate to fit in somewhere (which worked some, including with the aforementioned Indian, among others) and finally finding, I'd say, one of my first legitimate intellectual "I feel special around this person" in the cute asian traitor. Not to equate debate with life, but the span of time between January and March when I worked with her (before she dumped me) was, legitimately, one of the times where I felt I grew a ton as a person. Additionally, I got to know classmates better, started dating the less attractive of my redheaded exes, and actually felt like I was beginning to be part of something at Central. That was winter sophomore year, with a consistent group of people I was around often more than five days week. In hindsight, maybe I do suck at adjusting.
Social commentary! I've always been told life is about opprotunities- you don't have to take the hardest path, but working hard opens more doors for you to go through. I'm seriously wondering if I picked the right door this time. What are all the riches, knowledge, and prestige in the world worth if one is lonely and unhappy? For that matter, it's not like I'm at Yale- I'm a Seton Hall, a 3rd tier institution with an upper level, but not Georgetown-level, diplomacy program. Let's say I want to go into politics- my natural constituency would be in Missouri. Maybe I'll go off to college, get cool grad school degree, intern some places, and decide I really am happier living in Kansas City or something. Who knows. In high school, it seemed like all of us were pushed to the limit, either by our parents or ourselves (or, in my instance, perhaps my own fear of failure), to be the best we could be at everything so we could achieve... what exactly. That part all seems sort of murky now. A good college, which leads to a good job, which leads to us being happy in our thirties. Presumably. I just remember feeling a lot happier before, and am quesitoning the long-term sustainability of the lifestyle on which I've decided to embark.
There isn't much point to this post now, I realize. It sounds whiney to me on the re-read. If this was on Xanga circa 2005, or facebook, I'm sure a lot of people would think I was a weirdo. Eh, who knows, maybe I am. Your regularly scheduled criticism of Seton Hall's freshmen, including myself, will resume shortly.
Thursday, November 27, 2008
Wednesday, November 12, 2008
Purpose
School has definitely taken some adjusting to (and will probably take more adjusting to in the coming weeks and months). It is only now, a few weeks from Thanksgiving break, that I think I'm beginning to find myself feeling comfortable here on a more than somehat consistent basis. I've spent a lot of time talking to my room/suite mates, as well as some other guys from the Honors class. I still don't feel nearly as integrated as I would have liked to feel right now, but there's been an improvement. I'm enjoying it.
With my growing sense of comfortably in New Jersey, these past few days have filled me with a sense of how quickly time seems to go by when one isn't waiting on something. When I was in my long-distance "relationship" with the embryo (she turned 16 in June, and is younger than my little brother who's a sophomore in high school this year- I feel dirty, and that's before the sexual fetishes) time seemed to move by really, really slowly. Days would go by a few at a time, but it always seemed to be September (which it was). Now, honestly, I don't know where October has gone.
With a little bit of help from that girl with a vaguely Victorian sounding name, I'm remembering where I was only a year ago. Making some of the worst moral decisions of my life with Embryo, trying to figure out where on earth I wanted to go to college, and generally having no sense of perspective on the world. Now I don't claim to have any great perspective on the world after two and a half months in New Jersey, but my life, and my perspective, has certainly changed. Eric Miller, formerly of Kickapoo high school and currently of Seton Hall, recently achieved an internship with Media Global, who does a lot of reporting on the United Nations. While going to his interview, he actually bumped shoulders with the Secretary General of the UN. He's two years older than me.
As I look ahead toward my life, I can't really begin to say what I'll do, where I'll live, who I'll be with, or even what I'll be. It seems that there's one thing in particular that's just starting to peak over the next hill: adulthood. It's always been one of those things that'll happen to me someday, and it still seems far off, but it seems much closer now. As that transition comes closer, I begin to wonder how I want to make an impact on the world throughout my adult life. In scheduling meetings with the dean, sitting and talking to my Honors professor's office about the Bush Doctrine for an hour and a half as he introduced me to upperclassmen that stopped by to say hi as his "favorite student", even in keeping a bit of my own schedule, I'm filled with a sense that there is a certain way things should be done.
As I find myself actually having obligations, I really, more than ever before, am beginning to understand how one should be considerate of another's time, actually care if somebody went to the trouble of reading and commenting on your paper, and actually listen to what people that I know know more than me have to say. I find myself paying more attention to how my professors act, how they behave, how they speak, even how they dress. It is, quite frankly, a wonderful experience. Even though I don't know what I'll be doing, or where, or how, I believe now in the importance of doing it right. Of caring about how one interacts with the rest of the world. Of having a purpose.
With my growing sense of comfortably in New Jersey, these past few days have filled me with a sense of how quickly time seems to go by when one isn't waiting on something. When I was in my long-distance "relationship" with the embryo (she turned 16 in June, and is younger than my little brother who's a sophomore in high school this year- I feel dirty, and that's before the sexual fetishes) time seemed to move by really, really slowly. Days would go by a few at a time, but it always seemed to be September (which it was). Now, honestly, I don't know where October has gone.
With a little bit of help from that girl with a vaguely Victorian sounding name, I'm remembering where I was only a year ago. Making some of the worst moral decisions of my life with Embryo, trying to figure out where on earth I wanted to go to college, and generally having no sense of perspective on the world. Now I don't claim to have any great perspective on the world after two and a half months in New Jersey, but my life, and my perspective, has certainly changed. Eric Miller, formerly of Kickapoo high school and currently of Seton Hall, recently achieved an internship with Media Global, who does a lot of reporting on the United Nations. While going to his interview, he actually bumped shoulders with the Secretary General of the UN. He's two years older than me.
As I look ahead toward my life, I can't really begin to say what I'll do, where I'll live, who I'll be with, or even what I'll be. It seems that there's one thing in particular that's just starting to peak over the next hill: adulthood. It's always been one of those things that'll happen to me someday, and it still seems far off, but it seems much closer now. As that transition comes closer, I begin to wonder how I want to make an impact on the world throughout my adult life. In scheduling meetings with the dean, sitting and talking to my Honors professor's office about the Bush Doctrine for an hour and a half as he introduced me to upperclassmen that stopped by to say hi as his "favorite student", even in keeping a bit of my own schedule, I'm filled with a sense that there is a certain way things should be done.
As I find myself actually having obligations, I really, more than ever before, am beginning to understand how one should be considerate of another's time, actually care if somebody went to the trouble of reading and commenting on your paper, and actually listen to what people that I know know more than me have to say. I find myself paying more attention to how my professors act, how they behave, how they speak, even how they dress. It is, quite frankly, a wonderful experience. Even though I don't know what I'll be doing, or where, or how, I believe now in the importance of doing it right. Of caring about how one interacts with the rest of the world. Of having a purpose.
Monday, November 3, 2008
Visits, Voting, Values
Today I received a visit from my Dad and step-mom, Stacey, the first I've seen anybody from home, except for pictures, since August. I got to hear about my brother David, my Dad's work, and life in general back in Springfield. We ate at a little diner in South Orange, which was nice. During the course of the lunch, Stacey and I managed to get into an argument over whether or not I was using enough of my meals in the cafeteria or spending too much money (about $25/week) on wraps for lunch. This was a very retarded discussion, and generally put me into a bad mood for most of the rest of their two-hour visit up here (though luckily we'd already been talking for about 80 minutes). I felt like I was a seventh grader being chastised about whether I was getting a $0.75 cookie with my school lunch. Utterly idiotic.
Tomorrow America elects the 44th president of the United States. Now, I realize there are a number of things wrong with that statement. Americans have been voting for probably three or four weeks now, thanks to early voting in a lot of states. Election Day has become like Christmas: there's Election Day, and then there's election season. And, I know, Americans aren't really electing the president. We're voting for the nameless members of the Electoral College to vote instead of us. And it's debatable whether or not America can really be said to elect anything when 30-40% (and that’s being generous) of people don’t participate. But, in principle, tomorrow America elects our 44th president. Unless the courts get involved. Then we may or may not know who the next president is going to be tomorrow, or next week for that matter. Tomorrow some of America is voting. We’ll just leave it at that.
Classic teenage paragraph starter: As I face a lot of the uncertainty surrounding my future in college (and life in general, for that matter), I’m reminded of the things that are truly important to me. Unfortunately this isn’t a feel-good movie, so there are actually some problems with that idea. Instead of being reminded of the things that are truly important to me, I’m more reminded that I don’t really know what’s truly important to me. Maslow’s hierarchy seems more like a maze than a map. I’ve been very unsettled about my social standing at Seton Hall, and my relation to other people. However, one of the pluses that I don’t have to worry about is, so far, I’m making very good grades. I’m doing very well in Speech, especially compared to the other freshmen. I absolutely love most of my classes, and those that I don’t are at least bearable. I’m sixty minutes or less from the top of the Empire State Building basically whenever I want. There’s a lot that’s going right for me, but I have a tendency to try and fix everything I feel is wrong. I’m still adjusting, still getting used to New Jersey being, well, home. Time passes, and it will all work out.
At least, that’s what happens in the movies.
Tomorrow America elects the 44th president of the United States. Now, I realize there are a number of things wrong with that statement. Americans have been voting for probably three or four weeks now, thanks to early voting in a lot of states. Election Day has become like Christmas: there's Election Day, and then there's election season. And, I know, Americans aren't really electing the president. We're voting for the nameless members of the Electoral College to vote instead of us. And it's debatable whether or not America can really be said to elect anything when 30-40% (and that’s being generous) of people don’t participate. But, in principle, tomorrow America elects our 44th president. Unless the courts get involved. Then we may or may not know who the next president is going to be tomorrow, or next week for that matter. Tomorrow some of America is voting. We’ll just leave it at that.
Classic teenage paragraph starter: As I face a lot of the uncertainty surrounding my future in college (and life in general, for that matter), I’m reminded of the things that are truly important to me. Unfortunately this isn’t a feel-good movie, so there are actually some problems with that idea. Instead of being reminded of the things that are truly important to me, I’m more reminded that I don’t really know what’s truly important to me. Maslow’s hierarchy seems more like a maze than a map. I’ve been very unsettled about my social standing at Seton Hall, and my relation to other people. However, one of the pluses that I don’t have to worry about is, so far, I’m making very good grades. I’m doing very well in Speech, especially compared to the other freshmen. I absolutely love most of my classes, and those that I don’t are at least bearable. I’m sixty minutes or less from the top of the Empire State Building basically whenever I want. There’s a lot that’s going right for me, but I have a tendency to try and fix everything I feel is wrong. I’m still adjusting, still getting used to New Jersey being, well, home. Time passes, and it will all work out.
At least, that’s what happens in the movies.
Saturday, November 1, 2008
Because Sushma Didn't Make One
The world really is cyclical. First Xanga, now, three years later, this. It's rather interesting.
Perhaps later I'll write an introductory post. As of now, because you (indicates Sushma) and you (indicates Lindsey) are going to be the only ones with knowledge of this space, I'll leave it out. Without getting too metaphysical, you know who I am.
Well it's Saturday night, and I have nowhere to be and nothing to do. My suite of five is occupied by yours truly, with Karate-Mike in Atlantic City breaking boards, my ROTC roommate is in a hospital guarding the emergency room, and the others are probably at home. This campus really is dead on weekends, but at least I'm actually here. Three of the last four weekends have been forensics related, and I've found myself in Virginia, West Virginia, Pennsylvania, driven through Jersey, Delaware, and just generally been nice and busy. I almost welcome the boredom. Almost.
I had a nice dinner with a Catholic (long distance relationship in Nebraska, future cake decorator), a Republican from Florida (in my honors class, international relations major, yet surprisingly I don't really know her that well), and a member of the Dance Team (from Ohio, on the SHU dance... club? team?... in my Russian Class, IR major). Well, that is to say I ate dinner with speech people before going over and joining their table. It was an interesting discussion, and by interesting I mean we talked about rock bands and camping. Not that I'm poor by any means, but they all seemed to have a little bit more money than me. Dancer talked about how her parents just sold their cabin because they never used it, Floridian Elephant talked about how she wanted to get an internship in Belgium over the summer (she'd visited before) and Cakes just seems... affluent. Perhaps I'm completely wrong. After dinner they had to do laundry. So they did.
Confused girl (in honors, criminal justice major, long distance relationship with a Wisconsin boy, former-potential fling [she was really attached to the guy she gets to see once every two months for the next three years after dating for less than two months before college]) is busy with her first ever collegiate Mock Trial competition this weekend, Peanuts (long distance relationship with a guy in Pittsburg, PA, on the speech team*, is a cross of Jeanette and Suzanne, is deathly alergic to peanuts, former IR major but switched to Secondary Education already) is busy with said boyfriend from Pennsylvania, and I don't really feel like exerting much effort to randomly try and find people. I recently discovered Pandora Radio on the internet, and it's making my life quite wonderful. I'm probably going to take advantage of the time off that I have and do a paper that isn't due until Thursday soon! Won't that be fun?
I think that college is swimming. You can hear about swimming, you can know people that swim, but until you actually try to swim you really don't have any idea what the experience is like. Swimming can be a lot of fun, but first you have to learn how to swim properly. Not swimming properly can lead to you drowning, which isn't fun at all. Both are fun naked some of the time if it's not too cold. (A difference: college usually doesn't make you lose weight.) In keeping with this extended metaphor, still feel like I'm really struggling to breathe. I'm making good grades, owning in class discussions (people here are so wonderfully idealistic. In one discussion earlier this week, Confused Girl told me that I "should cheer up" while two others mentioned me by name before saying they "strongly" or "completely" disagreed with me.), and thoroughly enjoying the school part of school. It's just outside of the seventeen hours of class, I feel like I don't have any direction, purpose, or clue what I'm doing. I'm just in the ocean somewhere, looking for the shore.
This is probably rediculously long by normal blog standards.
"Just keep swimming, just keep swimming..."
Perhaps later I'll write an introductory post. As of now, because you (indicates Sushma) and you (indicates Lindsey) are going to be the only ones with knowledge of this space, I'll leave it out. Without getting too metaphysical, you know who I am.
Well it's Saturday night, and I have nowhere to be and nothing to do. My suite of five is occupied by yours truly, with Karate-Mike in Atlantic City breaking boards, my ROTC roommate is in a hospital guarding the emergency room, and the others are probably at home. This campus really is dead on weekends, but at least I'm actually here. Three of the last four weekends have been forensics related, and I've found myself in Virginia, West Virginia, Pennsylvania, driven through Jersey, Delaware, and just generally been nice and busy. I almost welcome the boredom. Almost.
I had a nice dinner with a Catholic (long distance relationship in Nebraska, future cake decorator), a Republican from Florida (in my honors class, international relations major, yet surprisingly I don't really know her that well), and a member of the Dance Team (from Ohio, on the SHU dance... club? team?... in my Russian Class, IR major). Well, that is to say I ate dinner with speech people before going over and joining their table. It was an interesting discussion, and by interesting I mean we talked about rock bands and camping. Not that I'm poor by any means, but they all seemed to have a little bit more money than me. Dancer talked about how her parents just sold their cabin because they never used it, Floridian Elephant talked about how she wanted to get an internship in Belgium over the summer (she'd visited before) and Cakes just seems... affluent. Perhaps I'm completely wrong. After dinner they had to do laundry. So they did.
Confused girl (in honors, criminal justice major, long distance relationship with a Wisconsin boy, former-potential fling [she was really attached to the guy she gets to see once every two months for the next three years after dating for less than two months before college]) is busy with her first ever collegiate Mock Trial competition this weekend, Peanuts (long distance relationship with a guy in Pittsburg, PA, on the speech team*, is a cross of Jeanette and Suzanne, is deathly alergic to peanuts, former IR major but switched to Secondary Education already) is busy with said boyfriend from Pennsylvania, and I don't really feel like exerting much effort to randomly try and find people. I recently discovered Pandora Radio on the internet, and it's making my life quite wonderful. I'm probably going to take advantage of the time off that I have and do a paper that isn't due until Thursday soon! Won't that be fun?
I think that college is swimming. You can hear about swimming, you can know people that swim, but until you actually try to swim you really don't have any idea what the experience is like. Swimming can be a lot of fun, but first you have to learn how to swim properly. Not swimming properly can lead to you drowning, which isn't fun at all. Both are fun naked some of the time if it's not too cold. (A difference: college usually doesn't make you lose weight.) In keeping with this extended metaphor, still feel like I'm really struggling to breathe. I'm making good grades, owning in class discussions (people here are so wonderfully idealistic. In one discussion earlier this week, Confused Girl told me that I "should cheer up" while two others mentioned me by name before saying they "strongly" or "completely" disagreed with me.), and thoroughly enjoying the school part of school. It's just outside of the seventeen hours of class, I feel like I don't have any direction, purpose, or clue what I'm doing. I'm just in the ocean somewhere, looking for the shore.
This is probably rediculously long by normal blog standards.
"Just keep swimming, just keep swimming..."
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