This is one of those posts I'm probably going to look back on and say I was being childish. Nonetheless, I feel it somewhat necessary to sort of chronicle my feelings as they happen (and I haven't written in this thing in two weeks).
I'm home, in Missouri, for the first time since August. I couldn't be happier. I feel like this giant weight has been lifted off of me. I got to drive on the interstate today and listen to the radio. Stations I remember. Silly commercials for Buffalo Wild Wings to which I knew every word. Streets I recognized, heck, even the trees looked familiar. I can't think of a single reason for which I'd want to go back to Seton Hall. The Russian program is nice, and I guess I'm learning diplomacy, but, for whatever reason, I don't think I ever realized how alien New Jersey felt to me until now. I honestly can't remember feeling this relaxed in months.
Part of me is troubled by this feeling. Shouldn't I be taking advantage of all of the opportunities that have presented themselves to me? Shouldn't I be out changing the world, making fast friends, making proverbial lemonade out of the Big Apple? I think I'll get used to it eventually, but looking back on high school I wasn't really happy in a "I finally fit in" way at Central for over a year. Year one had football, and debate, and every class but one with my favorite Indian, but it was primarily Dan the screwed up Freshman dates suicidal girl A. Needless to say, that didn't translate into a lot of summertime "hanging out" friends. Year two first semester was slightly more football, a brief date with the hotter of my two redheaded exes, trying to get better at debate to fit in somewhere (which worked some, including with the aforementioned Indian, among others) and finally finding, I'd say, one of my first legitimate intellectual "I feel special around this person" in the cute asian traitor. Not to equate debate with life, but the span of time between January and March when I worked with her (before she dumped me) was, legitimately, one of the times where I felt I grew a ton as a person. Additionally, I got to know classmates better, started dating the less attractive of my redheaded exes, and actually felt like I was beginning to be part of something at Central. That was winter sophomore year, with a consistent group of people I was around often more than five days week. In hindsight, maybe I do suck at adjusting.
Social commentary! I've always been told life is about opprotunities- you don't have to take the hardest path, but working hard opens more doors for you to go through. I'm seriously wondering if I picked the right door this time. What are all the riches, knowledge, and prestige in the world worth if one is lonely and unhappy? For that matter, it's not like I'm at Yale- I'm a Seton Hall, a 3rd tier institution with an upper level, but not Georgetown-level, diplomacy program. Let's say I want to go into politics- my natural constituency would be in Missouri. Maybe I'll go off to college, get cool grad school degree, intern some places, and decide I really am happier living in Kansas City or something. Who knows. In high school, it seemed like all of us were pushed to the limit, either by our parents or ourselves (or, in my instance, perhaps my own fear of failure), to be the best we could be at everything so we could achieve... what exactly. That part all seems sort of murky now. A good college, which leads to a good job, which leads to us being happy in our thirties. Presumably. I just remember feeling a lot happier before, and am quesitoning the long-term sustainability of the lifestyle on which I've decided to embark.
There isn't much point to this post now, I realize. It sounds whiney to me on the re-read. If this was on Xanga circa 2005, or facebook, I'm sure a lot of people would think I was a weirdo. Eh, who knows, maybe I am. Your regularly scheduled criticism of Seton Hall's freshmen, including myself, will resume shortly.
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2 comments:
Oh Dandan noodles,
I can't say that I know exactly how you're feeling, but I think I can relate in the sense that I just miss the high school community we had before we left. I won't lie, it took a while to get used to but it didn't seem like such a big deal because we had childhood friends and family nearby. With college, we have to make an entirely new group of friends without any friends or family to support us in the times when it just doesn't work out. I know that if you stick with it, you'll get that feeling of security and comfort back. Then again, if you don't, there are always people back home who care about you. You're never alone pumpkin!
-Lindsey
^ What she said.
You're absolutely not alone in your lack-of-belonging. Heck, I've told you how I feel completely isolated here in the town I grew up in, in a building across the street from the school I went to for seven years. It's strange. We had it good at Central: we were surrounded by real peers for the first and possibly last time in our lives. Now we suddenly find ourselves thrust out into the "real world"--except there's nothing real about it. It's just another artificial environment, just as Central was a different (but admittedly better and more comfortable!) artificial environment. I'm sure it will get better. It's bound to improve and get easier eventually, right? Growing up is about making the best of bad situations and learning from your experiences, I think. Hang in there, and I'll try to do the same.
-Shanna
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