Tomorrow we will run faster, stretch out our arms farther... And one fine morning...

I was stuck in Chicago O'Hare airport for sixteen and a half hours, but now, finally, I've gotten to Christmas/Winter Break, the time I resolved to give myself to recharge, refocus, relax, read. I'm here to hang out with friends and family, watch football, and finalize becoming more aware of myself and what I want to do this next semester. As yet, however, the only constant seems to be a lack of change (wrap your head around that one). While I greatly enjoyed coming back to Springfield during Thanksgiving Break, this one is... or rather, has been... less than incredibly enjoyable. Why?

*disclaimer: structure may be lacking throughout post*

I cannot help but feel anxious. I feel like I constantly should be doing something, anything, that I'm wasting time even when I have nothing to do for the next three weeks. I'm actually beginning to seriously wonder if I'm going to be some sort of workaholic whenever I "grow up". I've stayed up the last two nights, even on very limited sleep, to 3:00 and 5:00 in the morning doing a combination of reading a biography about Dick Cheney, playing Risk on my computer, browsing realclearpolitcs.com, and looking up books on Amazon. I started being tired about midnight, but I fought off going to sleep for five hours to do... well, I don't really know what I accomplished. I got three chapters out of the Cheney book. It's a good book. But back to the point (is there a point?), I don't know why I feel this way. Some point, huh?

One primary... issue? problem? thing?... that I've felt particularly anxious about is my wonderful ex girlfriend (yes, sarcasm). Again, I have no idea why I feel this way. My parents were out at a dinner last night from about 6:00-midnight, and I kept thinking about everything that I would've been doing had Kim and my relationship still been intact. How it would've been a perfect opportunity to catch up, be together, and all that other sentimental shit. To be perfectly honest, one of the primary reasons I'm not attending the IB Panel next week is I want there to be absolutely no chance of seeing and/or coming into contact with her. Period. Why am I not going to a big reunion/basketball game when our team could be one of the best in the state? Because she'll be there.

I can't really begin to overstate how much I still, two and a half months after breaking up with her and two months after hearing from her, hate her. I don't even know why really. I'm fully capable of looking at the situation objectively. A long distance relationship over two years? Please. I'm somebody that's very conservative with money and spending it; she's the exact opposite. I don't really care about how somebody looks all that much; she's the exact opposite. I'm not totally batshit crazy; she's... well, you all get the point.

I was reading on facebook that apparently the Central High School administrators are even worse than last year because they canceled some junior dance that was supposed to be last night. Looking at the principal’s blog, I saw and read one comment posted by "Kimberly Randal, Junior Class Secretary". As soon as I read the name, I felt like throwing up. I'm disgusted that the name still elicits a response from me. Hell, I'm devoting something like six paragraphs to somebody that I've vowed not to care about at all. And instead of laughing that she still has to deal with Central Administrators for the next eighteen months, my thoughts immediately went to wondering if she was dating anybody, or what the conversations with her would have been like had we had them. Does anybody else do this? It's so pointless!

I don't want to be angry, or made to feel upset. I want to feel like I did when we were dating, only without ever seeing her again. I want her to not exist. I guess I'm a bitter person. At least with her, or when I was in a relationship, I felt like somebody really "got me", understood me, appreciated all of my little quirks. And now... I still have to learn to appreciate myself.

I don't consider myself to be an attention seeker, somebody that needs the validation of others to be happy (I mean, we all want to be well liked, but it's not... or at least I don't think it's... a requirement for me). I also don't consider myself to be an especially social person. I am, to be quite honest, a bit of a perfectionist. Not in a "this needs one more draft to be sure I expressed myself correctly (as you can tell by this blog post)" way, but in a "I will not fail at this" way. Maybe that's why I take breakups so hard. I mean, it's not like I'm wife hunting every time I start dating a girl, but relationships are something in which I put significant resources (time, energy, money). Before I left for Seton Hall, I got Kim this $300 diamond necklace (on sale for only $109) because I wanted to prove to her how much I gave a fuck about us. We broke up over the $60 webcam I bought her so we could stay in touch. It's not that I'm obsessed with how much money I spent on her, but hell, I cared. I'm doing it again, aren't I? Caring.

But it's not like I feel obligated to not fail at everything. There are a number of things during high school and now college I don't particularly care for or about (like cabinet). I did 40% of the honors reading, read five chapters (half the book) of international relations in two days and got an A on the final (to be honest, I sort of did that just because I could get away with it. Yes, I get my "God I rock" kicks out of reading textbooks quickly. How sad is that?), quit speech, and didn't make time to go into NYC or really socialize (something that I'm, hopefully, at least going to start changing next semester). My main governing philosophy, I think, is you do what you have to do, period. I'm very task oriented, and I haven't really had a task to which to fully devote myself on a daily basis. I can't even make fun of classes because I have no one to whom I can make fun of them (to those of you who know who Alex is, she may be the exception)!

So I, as I've stated in previous posts, have lacked focus. I'm beginning to regain my long term focus (grad school, summer jobs, etc.) but I still lack day to day focus. I keep preparing for the future while not focusing on the "me" of now. My work doesn't seem particularly enjoyable or fulfilling, whenever I try to take a break (even a Christmas break) I still feel like I should be working. I'm spinning the wheels incredibly fast, and am not going anywhere at all. In addition to the Dick Cheney biography, I've also read a biography of George W Bush, John McCain's memoirs (guess my political affiliation!), and plan to read a number of other presidential biographies, if not over break than during the summer. I think one of the reasons I'm drawn to the stories of all of these successful people is I want a goal, something that I can focus on becoming. I'm incredibly ready to start going to bed on time, doing something with my hair, eating healthier, working out, making friends, living the life that I envision myself living. It's just I feel so miserable sometimes that sometimes I forget that's not part of the plan.

I'm sure I'll look back at these feelings someday and laugh. Or... maybe I'm so incredibly normal it's silly. Maybe everybody is. I'm very much in search of a purpose, a long term goal, an aspiration. Sometimes I feel like I'm one of the only people awake at college; everybody else is just kind of there with no idea of the how, why, or the "for what purpose". So I plan, I think, I behave in an absurd fashion that, if I were thinking rationally, probably makes me even more unhappy than I already am. Who knows, maybe I'll go to the stupid IB panel. It's just, to me, I'd much rather dream about the future than revisit the past.